I've Got Another Confession To Make...AKA The Gospel of Big Lots Toilet Paper

Anyone catch the Foo Fighters reference? 1,000 cool points if you did. Wow...does anyone still do the cool points thing, or am I just a complete dork?

Ok, so down to business. Yes, my friends, I have a confession to make: I have an unhealthy obsession with Big Lots toilet paper.

And, I know, some of you (such as Brittny's Will) are probably cringing as you read that. And, I know. I totally get it. Just trust me on this one.

Back in June J, A, and I went to Indiana for a vacation. Our goal was to get away for a week and spend some quality time with J's great grandpa whose health was rapidly declining. Little did I know, this one trip was going to change my life forever.

We always stay on the farm when we go to Indiana, unless there is already someone else staying there. It's nice because Spaz Graz (J's grandma) makes us breakfast in the mornings, and great grandpa used to be around to crack us up. J's aunt also lives there, and she is quite thrifty - as in, she hardly buys any clothing if it isn't from Salvation Army or The Goodwill, she shops at Save A Lot for cleaning supplies because they are $1, and she's always looking at ads and coupons to find a good deal. Now, I do admire that quality as I have an aunt that does ad-matching at the Wal-Mart, buys in bulk at the Sam's Club, and always looks at the ads in the paper for good deals. However, sometimes I think J's aunt goes a little crazy with it.

So, it was no surprise to me when I went into the bathroom upstairs for the first time and saw a giant pack of Big Lots brand toilet paper. Now, at first, I wasn't overly impressed. I mean, it was toilet paper, and I have very few requirements for tp: must not have aloe or anything creamy (eww...that word should totally be on the list of words to never say along with moist and panty), must not be Scott brand, and must be 2-ply. Other than that, I don't really care. Because it fit all of my requirements for tp, it didn't leave much of an impression on me. It worked, and that was good enough for me.

It wasn't until later in the week, when we were discussing the current economic situation of our little family unit that I discovered how wonderful Big Lots toilet paper really is. See, at this point in our lives, I had just finished teaching for the school year without knowing if I would get a class in the fall, A was between jobs, and so our little family unit was pretty much living on what J made and what A and I had saved up. We weren't in bad shape, but we did want to minimize our spending as much as possible. In an attempt to help us, J's aunt sat down and told us about places where she found bargains and what places were good to buy certain items. During this discussion, the Big Lots toilet paper came up. She told us that a block of 12 double rolls (24 regular rolls) is $5. Now, I don't go around comparing prices of tp, but I know enough to know when I hear a good deal. I was amazed! Could it really be possible that cheap toilet paper could actually be good toilet paper?

Let's recap. My requirements are simple: no aloe or cream, no Scott brand, must be 2-ply. Big Lots toilet paper fits every single one of those requirements, plus it is cheap...and quilted - uh, somewhat. Now, I'm not saying that using Big Lots toilet paper is like using 3-ply Quilted Northern or even 2-ply Quilted Northern, but for me, it totally works. It isn't fancy by any means, but it does the job, doesn't chafe the hiney, and is cheap.

Upon, my declaration that I loved the fact that Big Lots tp was so cheap and did not suck, J's aunt went and bought us a pack to take home. It was her way of contributing to our economically strained family unit, and I was thrilled beyond belief. Don't get me wrong, at this point I was not obsessed yet, but I was happy to find a cheap tp that was also good.

It wasn't until we got back home to Oklahoma that my obsession began. It started off innocently. We used the pack of tp, and no one's bum was complaining. Then, one day I looked at the calender and realized that weeks had gone by, and we still had tp. People, do you understand the significance of that last sentence?! Weeks! Not days...not a week...weeks had gone by with 3 people, one of whom is a girl, and we still had tp. At that point, I honestly thought we had a real miracle on our hands. Remember the fish and bread story in the Bible where Jesus feeds the 5,000 with only 2 fish and 5 barley loves? It was like that...the tp lasted and lasted. (As a side note, isn't that just the coolest Bible story? It's my favorite...probably because we used to get fish sticks and biscuits in Sunday School when they told that story :)

Anyway, point is, this was some special toilet paper. I loved it so much that I refused to buy anything else. If we went to the Wal-Mart to do our household shopping and needed tp, I would refuse to buy it there. I told the boys "we'll go to Big Lots later." One time, we were running low, and I asked J to run to Big Lots to get some on his way home from somewhere. He ended up getting some tp from like Walgreens or KMart, and I was so mad at him! I couldn't believe that he would waste money on toilet paper when Big Lots was right there waiting for us!

And so my obsession had begun. I spread the gospel of Big Lots tp to anyone who would listen. Unfortunately, there were not any converts. My dad refused to give up the comforts of the Quilted Northern. I was alone in my love affair. Oh sure, J and A would humor me if we were actually in Big Lots, but I could never get those guys to go to Big Lots on their own to buy it. If I wanted it, I had to buy it myself.

This obsession continued on, and when we went up to Indiana in late September for J's great grandpa's funeral, I regaled J's aunt with my tales of Big Lots tp and how J and A would not buy it for me. She nearly shot coke out of her nose when I told her. Thankfully, she took pity on me and bought me my very own pack to take home. She has my back...and well, my butt too, I guess. LOL.

So, there it is, my confession. I love Big Lots toilet paper, and I really don't care who knows.

Originally posted on 02/09/2009